Month: April 2014

March 22, 2014

Today was spent with my family. The older I get, the more I become so attached to my family and the idea of having my own (sooner than later). It makes me reflect on my purpose and who I am supposed to be providing for. Can I even provide for anyone else aside from myself? I often wonder if this is possible. I give of myself because I feel fulfilled when I do, not because I have to do it. It hurts me though when I can’t give enough. I always pray that God makes me strong enough to give all of me to Him and His purpose. Does one ever reach a point where their life and their faith is truly all His? I often second guess myself. I want to believe that I can do all things and do all things for His purpose, but there is always a little bit of doubt in my ability to give of myself wholly.

I set out on this great adventure with a purpose to “go out and find myself”. Get away from the comfort of knowing that my family will always be around to catch me when I fall or redirect me when I steer off the path of “right this way”. This trip has opened so many doors for me. It opened my eyes to see what fulfills me and it’s giving myself to others. What have I really learned that makes me feel that I can go out into the world and think that I have learned a few things well enough to teach someone else? I suppose that was the real reason why I set out on a journey of understanding. To hone in on what God has blessed me with and love a world that’s broken. I will give with the life that I have been given. I understand that nothing is mine to hoard. That I was given the little that I have to turn it into someone else’s everything.

I think that people have to come to a point in their life when they literally have to stop and revaluate why they get out bed every morning. I often throw around the phrase “find what truly makes your heart happy”. My transition with my work (I think) was the universe asking me to do just that: find what truly makes my heart happy. I was forced to stop and revaluate my own life. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was alone and that although I was surrounded by an amazing family and supportive people … that ultimately, I was alone; responsible for no one else, but myself; obligated to nothing. Go somewhere Kat. Anywhere. Understand yourself and give of yourself. Be comfortable enough with being alone so that you can be whole and fulfilled by only His love. When this occurs, you can then give of yourself with full satisfaction regardless of what you receive back. Disappointment shows up when an expectation is not met. So stop putting expectations on anyone or anything and do something just to do it. This will ensure a happy heart … a fulfilled self …

Remember, you are never alone in Christ.
.. thinking out loud … or maybe, justifying my place in this moment ..